Pancake Palace: A Crushing Blow?


Making Hoon Hay While The TV Lights Shine. 

 “I hope this leaves a very clear signal that we’re in business…” Hon. Anne Tolley, Minister of Police

Automobile squashing, like much of the rest of the economy, is clearly a business with a low slow growth trajectory.

Judith ‘Crusher’ Collins set up the Boy Racers’ Car Crushing Club when she was Minister of Police. Three years later, at Matariki, her successor Anne ‘Rusher’ Tolley, wearing pancake makeup for the TV cameras, displayed rivetting reverse numeracy skills by counting down from five before pushing the green button which activated the crushing behemoth*.

No red buttons for her, in contrast to her successor as Ministry of Education.  In 45 seconds flat the recidivist boy racer’s car (sans wheels and tyres, engine and other moving bits) was flattened. The car wreckers at Pancake Palace were obviously better at recycling useful stuff than many of the home demolition companies currently participating in the Demolition Derby in Christchurch’s earthquake Red Zone.

The look of glee (gloat?) on Tolley’s face during the pancaking process may indicate that she was visualising crushing not a single Nissan Laurel, hardly a very hardy car, but instead two large road hogging SUVs, with bull bars and noisy klaxons, emblazoned respectively with the logos NZEI and PPTA.

The MoP then stood triumphantly on the flattened trophy vehicle, like a Twenties Great White Huntress, administering the coup de grâce with her stiletto heels. The photograph* of her in flagrante demolitio is a dead cert for the Listener’s new caption contest.

The gormless erstwhile car owner had been disqualified after being convicted for wheel-spinning and as it was his third strike an order was given to crush the car. (For some reason it was not possible to do a bulk deal and to include the driver with the car. This  may smack of Nanny Statism but apparently these days corporal punishment is a no no).

But only one car dealt to in three years?  Hardly a Henry Ford production line.  At this rate it will be 6012 AD before the first 1,000 offending vehicles are flattened. To be fair there is a bit of a lead time with the three strikes rule and there are the cars of 116 “second strike” offenders waiting in the wings.  The good news is that three years after seizure and crushing legislation was introduced there has apparently been a 17% reduction in “grossly anti-social and mindless boy-racing offending”.

However, there is likely to be an upward spike in hooning in retaliation to Thursday’s humiliating public vehicular downsizing.  A “cruze” is scheduled tonight in retaliation for the crushing blow.  It was advertised on the Facebook site Porirua Buy/Sell/Trade:  “…stop the car crushin law. 9-10.30pm. Big boy racer cruze – we are doing this 4 the guy who got his kar krushed in lower hutt.” 

 It is not  immediately clear if this spellbinding  piece of creative writing meets the National Literacy Standard for slow maturing adolescents of either sex. What is clear is that the driver in question, having been caught doing burnouts again just three hours after his third conviction, is indubitably a slow learner.

 Meanwhile, Police officers have been facing a pay freeze because of a $15 million hole in their budget. Pay negotiations have been stalled at the lights. However, talks got underway yesterday between Police top brass and the Police Association in an effort to get some new traction.

Police hierarchy may have to  make savings by adopting a somewhat more flattened management structure. The Minister stands ready to oblige.  

*Blinks  Vid First confiscated ‘boyracer’ car crushed

 #Lyall Lukey  23 June 2012 My other (bit more serious) blog 


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